Sunday, 23 November 2014

Quotient is their remainder!

The sun woke up before anybody on the newly formed earth!

Though this was the norm nobody knew it. They were new to earth and it was their day one there. They looked at each other like freshmen in college, the only difference being there were no seniors.

How were they going to talk to each other and what happened to the old inhabitants of the green planet?

Well, it seemed like any other normal day. The inhabitants of old earth began the business of life normally, until a huge wave swept away every material, every life!

Slowly, very slowly, life has begun again after that fateful day!

Mounds of earth began emerging out of water forming small islands. The remnants of what was washed away that day slowly floated towards the newly formed island, including a few walking souls that could not be called as humans.

The neo-humans began conversing with each other. They did not know if the language they spoke existed before the mega wash-day!

All that they knew was they somehow happened to inhabit the island. How the island came there and how they were created was beyond their imagination, at least for the time being!

Gradually, they prided themselves as the latest life form and exchanged the pre-stored information that they each had. They began to know a lot about the existence of earth and its subsequent annihilation. They shared all that they knew and as they collected and pooled information, they prided in their ability and called it their collective intelligence quotient.
“This is our beginning, from where the humans exited earth!” one of the neo-humans said.
“Right and we can call ourselves the ‘newmans’,” said the other.
“What exactly do you mean by ‘where the humans exited’?” queried a third one.
“Well, the earth, before it found us, was home to the super intelligent and super emotive human beings.
When a child was born they would measure the decibel quotient from the manner and the intensity of its cry. They used this measure in a complicated formula which would then tell them all about the child’s future.

They had many such quotients that were used in various formulae that revealed intricate details about a person. This technique was known as the ‘Quotient Prediction’ and was very popular.

They had a test that would precisely measure a human beings intelligence level and this was called the ‘IQ’ or the intelligence quotient.

This quotient, by far, was the most popular one till about a certain time frame. Slowly, many quotients emerged as human beings became smarter. At some point they understood that not all human beings were the same and hence introduced what was known as the ‘EQ’ or the ‘Emotion Quotient.’ Some human beings were emotionally stronger than their counter parts and their EQ was greater,’ concluded the newman.

“Pretty interesting, I would say. What else is known about the Quotient Prediction and why did they call it prediction instead of, say, theorem or corollary?” quizzed another spectator.

“I presume that they had no concrete proof or experiment that could prove their calculations scientifically,” said the newman.

“What were the other quotients that they had proposed?” asked another ‘gentlenewman’, in a rather soft voice.

“Depending on the number of friends they had, on what they used to call the ‘facebook’, they introduced a ‘social quotient’ which was a measure of their ability to make friends.

Then they had the ‘communication quotient’ which was their ability to talk over the mobile phone. The ‘nimble finger quotient’ was a rough estimate based on the number of words that they could type in what was known as an SMS. 

Another quotient that was introduced was the ‘beauty quotient’ which followed the beauty pageants. The introduction of this quotient caused unpredictable effects,” concluded the newman who seemed to have the most interesting pre-programmed information.

“What sort of unpredictable effects were these?” queried an onlooker.

“By far the most complicated quotient to define, the beauty quotient had varied parameters and could not be precisely defined. Then they decided to have certain parameters like a high cheek bone and a definite height and weight ratio, etc. This made things easier for a few and impossible for the rest. In order to get their beauty quotient to a desired level, some humans were willing to undergo medical surgeries. The smarter ones, though opted to ‘photoshop’ and publish their images online. Suddenly the cyber space was crying for room, as it was filled with photos. While some humans tweaked the images, some others tweaked the natural body to get desired results.

There emerged a sub-quotient to the beauty quotient known as the ‘I click myself quotient’, though in the end both these quotients had to be dropped!

A very unique quotient was the ‘pushing child quotient’,” informed the newman who did most of the talking.

“Why did they need a quotient for this? Was it not common knowledge that every baby was born when the mother pushed?” asked a newman who was not pre-programmed with the quotient knowledge.

“Oh my friend, I thought so too. But believe me, babies were not born that way. Babies were removed from a mother’s womb by a doctor and they called it the C-Section. I do not know what it means as I have not been pre-programmed with that knowledge,” the newman said.

“Never mind pal, you go on. I shall update all of you on C-Section once you are through,” another newman informed his listeners.

“Thanks, mate. The pushing child quotient was a measure of how many classes a child was enrolled into apart from their regular school. This, somehow seemed to be the measure of success of parenthood, in fact motherhood to be more specific,” the newman concluded.

A wise newman who hitherto remained silent was heard quipping, “Looks like quotients are their only remainders!”